Wednesday, December 19, 2012
grief of a nation, reminds us of ours
will not pretend that my heart and soul is any different than the other's in this world who are broken for these lives. I will however admit that I am having a very hard time with the loss of life. I tried for almost 15 years to have a baby. My husband and I did whatever we could to bring a child in to this world. In an odd way that some may understand, but most will not I understand what these parents are feeling. Ten years ago we decided to stop trying to have our own child, and adoption was out of the question. In that same year both of our father's passed away. The last words from my father was an apology for not taking me to the hospital in time to stop my appendix from bursting, the ultimate reason I was unable to have children. This was mother's day. These were the last words my Dad said to me. 9/11 happened that year. Soon after my loving and darling husband was told that his disease was so rare they had no way to treat him. The last 10 years of my life have been filled with grief. Today I have no answer on how to heal, there are day's and moments that I do not want to face yet another family with there kid's, Christmas and joy. But we do. Today yet again we faced a new doctor, as I saw in this doctor's eyes as they watched my husband, and judged him. What is Mitochondria? What is the actual name of the disease..? It took everything in my power to not stand up, pick him up and smack him. I was patient, and I gave him information, and attempted to explain what it is like to see the one you love crumble...I may not have lost a child in Sandy Hook, but I really do understand the grief that these people are under. I have nothing other than faith and our love in each other and God to offer. It can not be wrapped in a present, but we will tell anyone that will listen that our lives would not have continued in these last 10 years without our continued love for our LORD> We are broken, so in this way we believe we belong to a really bad club. A club that really does not want any other members.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Create your own sunshine
As a chef I am constantly either reading, preparing or writing a recipe. I am anylzing, duplicating, perfecting, coaching and teaching a recipe. Today I created a recipe that can not be sold.
I created our sunshine.
Much of my time and life is spent in complete darkness. Only if I let that cloud penetrate in to my day. Most of the time I have light in my life. Today I had to create my own sunshine. It took everything I could do to pull myself out of bed today. I wear a sleep mask and it shuts out the light. We call it the black mask of death, because if you wear it you could possibly spend all night in bed and the next day etc..
Since my sleep pattern is tied to my work. Having this masks makes it easier to get enough sleep. Honestly I could possibly wear it all day, and sleep...
Today I made my own sunshine. I built a recipe and told myself that no one else would make it for me. Today I wanted to dig a hole and crawl inside, stay there until, forever.
I pushed back these dark clouds, pulled myself out of bed walked in to the day and made a big giant cake filled with sunshine.
And I ate it!
I created our sunshine.
Much of my time and life is spent in complete darkness. Only if I let that cloud penetrate in to my day. Most of the time I have light in my life. Today I had to create my own sunshine. It took everything I could do to pull myself out of bed today. I wear a sleep mask and it shuts out the light. We call it the black mask of death, because if you wear it you could possibly spend all night in bed and the next day etc..
Since my sleep pattern is tied to my work. Having this masks makes it easier to get enough sleep. Honestly I could possibly wear it all day, and sleep...
Today I made my own sunshine. I built a recipe and told myself that no one else would make it for me. Today I wanted to dig a hole and crawl inside, stay there until, forever.
I pushed back these dark clouds, pulled myself out of bed walked in to the day and made a big giant cake filled with sunshine.
And I ate it!
frustration
I came home tonight thinking that it was so great to spend the evening with you. Only to find you frustrated. As I drive home tonight I dream of making dinner with you and laughing and being grateful
Monday, April 9, 2012
The melody of our lives
I wake to music in my heart. A bittersweet melody is constantly playing in the background, a music station of my own. Much of my life is spent in the service of the people around me. The background melody sets a beat for my life. This song plays all day, never ending notes.
When I am cooking the melody can be frantic or blissful depending on the urgency of the moment. If you are working with me you may hear me absently humming the various tunes streaming through my mind. I do not realize that this happens, I have been told it is annoying but more often that it is soothing to the people around me. The orchestra within me brings me peace even when the world gives me none.
Much of my day is lonely, even in a crowd of people our music is my friend. The sound inside me reverberates throughout me, resonating the highs and the lows. Many have anxiety within them that eliminates any peace in their soul. A constant voice of worry. I have trouble understanding this level of anxiousness. The music in my soul soothes my beast.
The melody of our lives brings me peace. The beat sets our steps even if walking forward seems to be an impossible task. The rhythmic lines press us towards each other, an embrace that brings us happiness even in the darkest clouds.
Today I have gratitude for our symphony. Our musicians know the songs and play them without sheet music. Everyday the melody plays and we dance.
When I am cooking the melody can be frantic or blissful depending on the urgency of the moment. If you are working with me you may hear me absently humming the various tunes streaming through my mind. I do not realize that this happens, I have been told it is annoying but more often that it is soothing to the people around me. The orchestra within me brings me peace even when the world gives me none.
Much of my day is lonely, even in a crowd of people our music is my friend. The sound inside me reverberates throughout me, resonating the highs and the lows. Many have anxiety within them that eliminates any peace in their soul. A constant voice of worry. I have trouble understanding this level of anxiousness. The music in my soul soothes my beast.
The melody of our lives brings me peace. The beat sets our steps even if walking forward seems to be an impossible task. The rhythmic lines press us towards each other, an embrace that brings us happiness even in the darkest clouds.
Today I have gratitude for our symphony. Our musicians know the songs and play them without sheet music. Everyday the melody plays and we dance.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
I think about it a lot
Not a moment passes that I do not have some type of thought about what will happen. What will happen when you forget. We have only just started to see the difference, the changes in your memory. At first it was very subtle, simple things like forgetting a date, or a conversation. Slowly we have noticed it progress to forgetting chunks of time, as if we are sitting in a bath tub and the water is slowly trickling in and eventually it will fill the tub and over flow on to the floor.
Even though I think of it often, and I know you are thinking about it because you tell me you are afraid of what it means to forget parts of your day. Not much has changed. You are still the handsome guy who would follow me home from school until you got enough courage to speak to me.
One moment at a time. Much more appropriate than one day at a time. Yesterday when I was taking a bath I could smell dinner as you worked so hard to prepare a meal for us. Suddenly I smelt burnt bacon, I called out your name and did not get an answer. I jumped out of the bath, soaking wet, to the stairs yelling your name. When you answered I felt so much relief.
We walk a tight rope, between me wanting to protect you and your need for independence. I think about how much of that independence you have given up already. That your illness has stolen parts of you and now you feel it stealing your memory, it all seems very unfair. As we move through our day I watch you interact with other people and it always makes me smile. You are so genuine, considerate, and compassionate. Sad that most people have no idea how to react to this kindness. Some people are threatened by the simplicity of you wanting to feel useful. Of course they have no idea what you are challenged with on a moment by moment basis.
As we arrive home, you are exhausted and yet you keep going because the nervous energy is not gone, it has actually multiplied. As the day progresses you show signs of frustration, exhaustion, pain and sadness. Yet you keep pushing through with a positive attitude and we find moments together to add to our moments from the past. If you forget I will remember for both of us. I will remind you of all of the fantastic things we have done together in our 21 years of marriage and the five years we spent falling in love.
Even though I think of it often, and I know you are thinking about it because you tell me you are afraid of what it means to forget parts of your day. Not much has changed. You are still the handsome guy who would follow me home from school until you got enough courage to speak to me.
One moment at a time. Much more appropriate than one day at a time. Yesterday when I was taking a bath I could smell dinner as you worked so hard to prepare a meal for us. Suddenly I smelt burnt bacon, I called out your name and did not get an answer. I jumped out of the bath, soaking wet, to the stairs yelling your name. When you answered I felt so much relief.
We walk a tight rope, between me wanting to protect you and your need for independence. I think about how much of that independence you have given up already. That your illness has stolen parts of you and now you feel it stealing your memory, it all seems very unfair. As we move through our day I watch you interact with other people and it always makes me smile. You are so genuine, considerate, and compassionate. Sad that most people have no idea how to react to this kindness. Some people are threatened by the simplicity of you wanting to feel useful. Of course they have no idea what you are challenged with on a moment by moment basis.
As we arrive home, you are exhausted and yet you keep going because the nervous energy is not gone, it has actually multiplied. As the day progresses you show signs of frustration, exhaustion, pain and sadness. Yet you keep pushing through with a positive attitude and we find moments together to add to our moments from the past. If you forget I will remember for both of us. I will remind you of all of the fantastic things we have done together in our 21 years of marriage and the five years we spent falling in love.
Photo Italy 2005 one of our many fantastic memories
So I think about it a lot. What will happen? How will we get through this chapter? Of course I do not have any answers to these questions but I am certain that I will be there holding your hand. I do know we will make it through no matter what happens, and that our love will never be lost or forgotten.
Monday, February 13, 2012
boxes
I live my life in a box. Within that box there is compartments. Inside each compartment there is a part of my life. When they intersect, life sometimes crumbles...today life collided.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
tick tock tick tock
It may be walking by, passing by, running by, speeding by or simply just standing.
Our kitten Pookie, is going to die.
Yes I am aware that everything and everyone dies.
But it is becoming more evident that he will be gone very soon. In some ways it seems like a way to prepare us, a we see his muscle melt away, and feel his bones. Even Baci is trying to help us greive, as he finishes Pookies food. But we both know at soon he will be gone.
How far away we have come in our lives far away from the farm. A life that brings birth, innocence, maturity, self esteem, tragedy, soul searching, reasoning, science, faith, patience and death. How much better we all could be to adapt the life of a farm.
We would need no more counseling or drugs to keep us stable, because at a very young age we would be exposed to all that glitters. Have you ever seen the sunrise on a farm in the fall? The crisp fog, puddles of glass, dew like jewels, as it rises it brings more life. A life I am not qualified to describe, one that I close my eyes and can sometimes picture with a touch of the spider web touched by the dew.
Our kitten Pookie, is going to die.
Yes I am aware that everything and everyone dies.
But it is becoming more evident that he will be gone very soon. In some ways it seems like a way to prepare us, a we see his muscle melt away, and feel his bones. Even Baci is trying to help us greive, as he finishes Pookies food. But we both know at soon he will be gone.
How far away we have come in our lives far away from the farm. A life that brings birth, innocence, maturity, self esteem, tragedy, soul searching, reasoning, science, faith, patience and death. How much better we all could be to adapt the life of a farm.
We would need no more counseling or drugs to keep us stable, because at a very young age we would be exposed to all that glitters. Have you ever seen the sunrise on a farm in the fall? The crisp fog, puddles of glass, dew like jewels, as it rises it brings more life. A life I am not qualified to describe, one that I close my eyes and can sometimes picture with a touch of the spider web touched by the dew.
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