gratitude

life is hard

moments happen and we think we are struggling until then nest one comes

life is hard but ever so beautiful

you see it in a sunrise and then in a sunset

life is impossible

you see it in the first moments you step out of bed, and pray that you can push to the day

life is spectacular

in the sense of laughter, or your feet up after a long day

life is a ticking clock

tick tick tick

as another moment, another day passes

gone, floating away without notice

life is short

grab it

now

questions

In the last week I had two different people question my integrity, my skill, my character
How little these two people really know about me.

What kind of person stands next to there love even when they are in pain, angry and dying a slow death? What kind of person stays with a person in sickness and in health?
What type of person does not return their love's anger and frustration with equal anger and frustration?
Does this person lack integrity?
Do they have no character?

How dare anyone accuse me of a lack of integrity.
What kind of skill does it take to bring balance in to a life that feels as if it is slipping out of my fingers.
What kind of person would question my character?

One of these people I shook my head at and in my mind I thought you do not know me.
The other person I simply laughed in there face.

Walk one day in my shoes.
Then ask me about integrity, skill and character.
I am grateful that I have the Lord, because he will ultimately be asking me the final questions. I will be prepared for the answers.
will you?

the sound of your breathe

my love
I hear your breathing, a sound of pure joy
all I need is for you to be in the same room
it is all I need
my life is full, because you are here
my love is full, because you are part of me
my love, my life, I am alive because you are part of me
my love
I hear the music of you breathing and joy fills my heart
my love
it is all I need

today I get it

today time made me sense it.
today made me see it.
today I felt the sense that I needed to push thru, find a way and push it.

my ego
my ego may push past what you find
wait is it my ego
or is it me telling the truth
when is the truth past what the popular believe

when do you push thru?
when does the honest part of you show?
when is your life more important? when is the truth what will secure your life?
when.....
can you tell the truth.

the next best thing

When people discuss the fifteen minutes of fame, you never really realize that it is true.  I often wonder if I have already had that moment, and in my stupidity it slipped out of my fingers. To be perfectly honest I think of this more often that I should, because really what friggin difference does it make, it truly only matters in my mind. Maybe it has something to do with the instant satisfaction I have in our industry. A Chef is rewarded with instant gratification of serving a meal that satisfy's a persons soul.  Now I work for a large corporation, a machine, that dictates my every move.  The constant battle that I am dealing with is that in my heart and soul I know the correct way to accomplish items, the proper way to prepare a sauce, the beyond proper way to develop and create a staff.  Yet my hands are tied. I continue to sacrifice my personal commitment to excellence in order to make sure that we have our home. It is so narcisistic to think that my way is the right way, but I know it is the correct way.  When I taste the sauces, and dishes and taste the levels of salt and sugar in these dishes I want to scream. Yet the machine will not let me. I am becoming frustrated with my lack of ability to effect the items around me. What is the point when I push the envelope and make sure that the items are fresh, and meet the specifications. Only to turn around and see someone else ignore them.  How is that doing the right thing?
So here I sit at 3:30 am in the morning. less than 3 days away from turning 45 and I am still wondering why, why am I at this point and not above it?
Waiting for the next best thing..

numb

I can stand in a crowd and be alone. A room filled with noise and be shaken by the silence. Soon I step back in to the world, step away from you. 

Your seizures are now a part of our lives, they happen and we get thru them.  We have learned new things in the last month about us, you and myself.  

Our moments

I came home last night after working a long day and you had drawn a bath for me.
How did I get so lucky to find you?
Our life started together many years ago, sometimes I believe it started before that day.  When I met you, truly saw you it felt as if we had met before.
It was in your smile, your look, your speech. I knew that moment that we would marry each other. How do you know when you meet the one. I knew. It was the way my heart bounced inside my chest. It was how nervous I became when you spoke my name. I knew.
Now so many years later, I still know, I know you love me.  You struggle daily with your pain. No doctor can repair, you suffer every moment of everyday, locked in your own body. And still you only think of me.

How lucky am I to be your wife, your love. Our moments. Our life. I knew...

how do we say goodbye

how do we say goodbye? Is it short and sweet? Or do we sing a long auria

When we know, when we realize that our bliss will soon be gone.  How do we express our deepest love, how do we step away.  When we know that life has given us only a moment to express a lifetime. How do we say goodbye?

days in a life

there are moments, days in a life, moments that define a person

there are days, moments that we will remember,

these days are sometimes sad where the grief resinates thru every cell of your body, these days you will remember.

there are moments, a look from your blessed as you step in to the isle of the church with your dad on your arm and even with two hundred people in the church, all you see is the face of the man you love

there are days, moments that you will remember, pin points of a life, that build a journey

there are moments when life makes no sense, a phone call, "your dad is gone, he is gone" when you fall to your knees and the grief and panic in your mind and heart will simply destroy every cell in your body

then the days pass, the wounds are still there, and they become moments, memories...some good, some bad

there are days in a life, that build a story, an incrediable journey filled with love, hope, grief, tragedy, passion, and the simple decision to live.  

there are days in a life, that build a journey, and a history.

today was one of those days

i am truly blessed, and forever humbled, I own my life, my journey and I am better because of it