I think about it a lot

Not a moment passes that I do not have some type of thought about what will happen. What will happen when you forget. We have only just started to see the difference, the changes in your memory. At first it was very subtle, simple things like forgetting a date, or a conversation. Slowly we have noticed it progress to forgetting chunks of time,  as if we are sitting in a bath tub and the water is slowly trickling in and eventually it will fill the tub and over flow on to the floor.

Even though I think of it often, and I know you are thinking about it because you tell me you are afraid of what it means to forget parts of your day. Not much has changed. You are still the handsome guy who would follow me home from school until you got enough courage to speak to me.

One moment at a time. Much more appropriate than one day at a time. Yesterday when I was taking a bath I could smell dinner as you worked so hard to prepare a meal for us. Suddenly I smelt burnt bacon, I called out your name and did not get an answer. I jumped out of the bath, soaking wet, to the stairs yelling your name. When you answered I felt so much relief.

We walk a tight rope, between me wanting to protect you and your need for independence.  I think about how much of that independence you have given up already. That your illness has stolen parts of you and now you feel it stealing your memory, it all seems very unfair.  As we move through our day I watch you interact with other people and it always makes me smile. You are so genuine, considerate, and compassionate. Sad that most people have no idea how to react to this kindness. Some people are threatened by the simplicity of you wanting to feel useful. Of course they have no idea what you are challenged with on a moment by moment basis.

As we arrive home, you are exhausted and yet you keep going because the nervous energy is not gone, it has actually multiplied. As the day progresses you show signs of frustration, exhaustion, pain and sadness. Yet you keep pushing through with a positive attitude and we find moments together to add to our moments from the past. If you forget I will remember for both of us. I will remind you of all of the fantastic things we have done together in our 21 years of marriage and the five years we spent falling in love.

Photo Italy 2005 one of our many fantastic memories

So I think about it a lot. What will happen? How will we get through this chapter? Of course I do not have any answers to these questions but I am certain that I will be there holding your hand. I do know we will make it through no matter what happens, and that our love will never be lost or forgotten.